Faith
That Began as Small as a Mustard Seed
By
Luanne
How
Nursing and My Spiritual Strength Helped Save My Life and Others
My
name is Luanne. I am a 52-year-old from Lexington, South Carolina. I
was first diagnosed with mental illness in 1996. When I look back now
on my life, I believe that my mental illness began in high school and
got worse during my first marriage. I was emotionally and physically
abused, which resulted in a very nasty divorce and custody battle
over my two children. I was diagnosed with bipolar, anxiety,
depression and dependent personality disorder. I believe that my
mental health diagnosis is due to genetic factors as well as trauma.
I believe that my mother had bipolar but was never officially
diagnosed. I did inherit an alpha protein deficiency, which has been
shown to cause bipolar and epilepsy (I have both).
In
high school, I suffered from extreme depression because of the
dysfunction I was living in. Even though I grew up in a dysfunctional
family, I still must give credit to my mom, who took me and my sister
to church at a young age. I was introduced to Jesus, and had the seed
of faith planted at an early age. It was my faith that got me through
the darkest times of my life. In high school, I put all my time and
energy into my studies and the marching band. I preferred to stay at
school and away from my dysfunctional family. I knew from a young age
that I wanted to be a nurse. My dream was to go to third-world
countries on medical missions, but I soon learned that my mission
would be at home. I found some old nursing magazines in the garage of
my neighbor’s house, who had moved. Reading them reinforced my
dream to become a nurse. In 1980, I enrolled in a local technical
college and began my studies to become a licensed practical nurse. I
then got a two-year degree and continued on to get a four-year degree
to become a registered nurse. I found my purpose in life as a nurse,
and I had dreams to save the world. My nursing career lasted over 31
years. I saved many lives and went on to become RN of the year for
the med-surg department at a local hospital and was also included in
Who Who’s in Nursing several times. I gained confidence in nursing
with my educational degrees and the initials behind my name. One day
I lost it all and found myself without any self-worth. I had to learn
the hard way that my self-worth comes from God.
In
1996, I had my first admission to the psychiatric hospital. I had
three admissions; more voluntary admissions because of suicidal
thoughts. The first trip to the hospital in 1996 was by the police
when my husband tried to cover up his emotional and physical abuse by
claiming I needed psychiatric help. Even though my psychiatrist said
he had no reason to commit me, I stayed at the hospital for a week
just to get away from my husband. Shortly after the first admission,
my husband and I separated and I filed for divorce. My husband won
the first custody battle and the home which I had bought. He simply
won because he had a better attorney than I did. The next year
without my kids was the worst year of life. My days were filled with
anxiety and panic attacks over losing my kids. I also lost the job
that I had simply because I was honest and told the director of
nursing that I had bipolar. It was my first taste of discrimination
and stigma related to having a mental illness. My ex-husband married
again and physically abused his second wife. I remember coming home
and turning the whole mess over to God. When I did, with my new
attorney’s help, I got my kids back. I went on to experience stigma
and discrimination from people who seemed to have the mentality that
those with a mental illness were second class citizens.
In
2007, I went back to school and earned my master’s degree in mental
health counseling. I was determined to offer hope to those with a
mental illness. I also became a peer support specialist and a South
Carolina Share Mentor. At this time, I am awaiting and battling the
broken system of social security disability. Although I am not
currently employed, I still believe that God has a purpose for my
life, despite my mental illness.
Having a mental
illness has brought challenges in relationships, occupations, and
other areas that most people do not have to face. Despite these
challenges, I have become a better person and have learned many
things on my journey through life. Most of all, my faith has
increased.
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