Managing My “Gifts”

Managing My “Gifts”

By Ondina

Self-Acceptance is the Key

At the age of 16, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I was suffering long before being formally diagnosed. In 2014, I was diagnosed as a schizophrenic, which I discovered was the answer to all my questions and problems as a child and young adult. It seems I was always this way. Once this became the reality I could no longer run from, I “freaked out.” I was so tired of being a statistic that I tried to deny that I have a mental illness even though it was obvious. I even learned there is a direct line that connects my family background to mental instability. I guess I caught the recessive trait.

I am my mother's namesake, Ondina Hawthorne, and I carry her name with honor now. Ondina Hawthorne was someone I didn’t always identify with. When I started to change my name, I did not realize this was my schizophrenia exposing itself to the masses. I never knew that this wasn’t what the average child goes through. From time to time, my emotional state would fluctuate between very erratic and calm. I would converse with myself and have conversations with what I considered my “imaginary friends.” I suffered physical, verbal, emotional and spiritual abuse, but it was the sexual abuse that introduced me to the more dangerous voices within. There was always the calm one, the gentle one and the thunder. I was scared, I didn’t know how to control what was going on and I didn’t even fully understand what was happening within me. The voices in my head got louder and louder. I felt like I was on fire and I no longer identified with my mirrored self. I attempted suicide many times to stop the burn and to shut off the noise. I thank God He had favor on my life and I am here to share my testimony. I survived.

Fast-forward. After the completion of high school and college, I made very poor choices. Somewhere on my journey, my schizophrenia, depression and anxiety took full control of my life. I was drowning and just wanted to disappear. Dying was my only option according to thunder. I contemplated suicide again. I was 21 years old. I asked God to show me a sign that he was real by asking Him to remove the burden that I was carrying. He did. I didn’t grasp the full understanding that when I was calling on God to help me, I was also asking Him to show me who I really am, what I’m dealing with and how to manage what makes me different from others. Since then I have gotten married to an amazing supportive man and have two wonderful, little, adventurous, vivacious boys. However, there was still much work on my part that needed to be done.

I started to acknowledge that I have a mental illness. I said it aloud to myself. It took me a while to feel comfortable saying it aloud and owning it. I remember telling my husband, “If you no longer want to be with me, I understand, because you didn’t sign up for this.” He replied, “I love you and we are going to get through this.” I revealed to him the names of all the personalities I converse with. I told him that I was institutionalized as a child and had been battling my mental illness for a long time. I explained to him that I needed to be mentally healthy, not just for myself but also for our children. He agreed to help me through my journey toward a sound mind. I opened up to my immediate family members for their support. I never thought that taking the first step to admitting and accepting I have a mental illness was going to be so painful.

My mother told me, “Baby girl, ‘schizophrenia’ is your gift. It is who you are. Don’t try to control it, manage it. Don’t fight against what is, but accept what is. Depression and anxiety will always be there, but once you learn to manage it you will be alright and your story will inspire others to take that leap of faith.” We cried together and I accepted the challenge to start managing my mental illness. I currently sit with a counselor. I pray and I have my medication on standby. I do still feel the burn from time to time, but I am grateful I know how to manage my gifts.

Faith That Began as Small as a Mustard Seed by Luanne

Faith That Began as Small as a Mustard Seed

By Luanne

How Nursing and My Spiritual Strength Helped Save My Life and Others

My name is Luanne. I am a 52-year-old from Lexington, South Carolina. I was first diagnosed with mental illness in 1996. When I look back now on my life, I believe that my mental illness began in high school and got worse during my first marriage. I was emotionally and physically abused, which resulted in a very nasty divorce and custody battle over my two children. I was diagnosed with bipolar, anxiety, depression and dependent personality disorder. I believe that my mental health diagnosis is due to genetic factors as well as trauma. I believe that my mother had bipolar but was never officially diagnosed. I did inherit an alpha protein deficiency, which has been shown to cause bipolar and epilepsy (I have both).

In high school, I suffered from extreme depression because of the dysfunction I was living in. Even though I grew up in a dysfunctional family, I still must give credit to my mom, who took me and my sister to church at a young age. I was introduced to Jesus, and had the seed of faith planted at an early age. It was my faith that got me through the darkest times of my life. In high school, I put all my time and energy into my studies and the marching band. I preferred to stay at school and away from my dysfunctional family. I knew from a young age that I wanted to be a nurse. My dream was to go to third-world countries on medical missions, but I soon learned that my mission would be at home. I found some old nursing magazines in the garage of my neighbor’s house, who had moved. Reading them reinforced my dream to become a nurse. In 1980, I enrolled in a local technical college and began my studies to become a licensed practical nurse. I then got a two-year degree and continued on to get a four-year degree to become a registered nurse. I found my purpose in life as a nurse, and I had dreams to save the world. My nursing career lasted over 31 years. I saved many lives and went on to become RN of the year for the med-surg department at a local hospital and was also included in Who Who’s in Nursing several times. I gained confidence in nursing with my educational degrees and the initials behind my name. One day I lost it all and found myself without any self-worth. I had to learn the hard way that my self-worth comes from God.

In 1996, I had my first admission to the psychiatric hospital. I had three admissions; more voluntary admissions because of suicidal thoughts. The first trip to the hospital in 1996 was by the police when my husband tried to cover up his emotional and physical abuse by claiming I needed psychiatric help. Even though my psychiatrist said he had no reason to commit me, I stayed at the hospital for a week just to get away from my husband. Shortly after the first admission, my husband and I separated and I filed for divorce. My husband won the first custody battle and the home which I had bought. He simply won because he had a better attorney than I did. The next year without my kids was the worst year of life. My days were filled with anxiety and panic attacks over losing my kids. I also lost the job that I had simply because I was honest and told the director of nursing that I had bipolar. It was my first taste of discrimination and stigma related to having a mental illness. My ex-husband married again and physically abused his second wife. I remember coming home and turning the whole mess over to God. When I did, with my new attorney’s help, I got my kids back. I went on to experience stigma and discrimination from people who seemed to have the mentality that those with a mental illness were second class citizens.

In 2007, I went back to school and earned my master’s degree in mental health counseling. I was determined to offer hope to those with a mental illness. I also became a peer support specialist and a South Carolina Share Mentor. At this time, I am awaiting and battling the broken system of social security disability. Although I am not currently employed, I still believe that God has a purpose for my life, despite my mental illness.

Having a mental illness has brought challenges in relationships, occupations, and other areas that most people do not have to face. Despite these challenges, I have become a better person and have learned many things on my journey through life. Most of all, my faith has increased.