ECT and My Secret Setback
By Kurt Sass
The Hidden Side Effect of
Shock Treatment
During the years of 1999
to 2000 I had a total of 22 ECT (electro convulsive therapy)
treatments—also known as “shock” treatments. These treatments
literally saved my life. At the time I started the treatments, I had
been in such a deep depression for the previous 11 months I could not
even eat or get to the bathroom without assistance, and suicide was a
constant thought.
While these treatments did
indeed give me my life back, unfortunately they have caused a severe
side effect which I have not revealed to a single person (except for
my doctors) for all these many years until this article. This side
effect is one of an acute short term memory loss.
Fortunately, I do not have
the type of severe long-term memory loss suffered by about 10% of ECT
users in which one can permanently forget family members, friends and
events. With my memory loss, if you tell me something in the present,
there is a somewhat decent chance I might forget it, at least for a
brief time. I might remember it the next day, but not 10 minutes
after you told me.
To be honest, at first I
wasn’t even aware of the memory loss. In fact, when I went back to
work a few months after the ECT treatments, my employers would
constantly praise me for always being on top of things and never
forgetting. My secret was that I had developed a skill of writing
everything down on index cards, even the smallest of tasks. I also
incorporated this system into my home life. I now had lists for
everything. For the longest of time, I just thought I had become a
very, very organized person. Slowly, however, it started to dawn on
me that since I had never kept lists before in my previous 43 years
of existence, so maybe there was a reason behind it.
When I finally did become
cognizant than I suffered from short-term memory loss, I was
devastated. To prove to myself that I did indeed suffer from it, I
tried to go through my daily routine without writing notes. I didn’t
make it to the afternoon. For example, I went to the store, which was
only 4 blocks away, to purchase a number of items, but by the time I
got there, I could only remember one. I know for a fact I had
intended to buy many more items, because I had over one hundred
dollars in my wallet.
Unfortunately, this memory
loss is permanent. I have learned to cope in many ways. I still have
my lists, of course. When an assignment is given to me at work, I
usually send a confirmation e-mail to make sure all the details are
covered. If the assignment is given over the phone or in person, I
will no doubt ask a second time so I can write it down. Even the
smallest of items has to go on my list. People will sometimes
question me as to why I write everything down, but a quick joke about
my “getting on in years” satisfies their curiosity.
The reason I haven’t
told anyone about the memory loss before is that I didn’t want them
to treat me differently because of it. I am certainly not ashamed of
it, just as I am certainly not ashamed of my mental illness. I just
don’t want people to feel that they must speak slowly or have to
remind me of things, because there really isn’t any need. I have
developed the skills and mechanisms to cope and overcome.
As to the reason why I
have decided to finally open up about my memory loss? Well, just like
with any other secret, the longer you keep it inside you, the more it
festers inside you until you set it free. I learned this many years
ago when I decided to tell people about my mental illness, so it is
only natural that it should carry over with my memory loss.
Well, that’s it for now.
Time to write a note to remind myself to edit this story tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment