The Day My
Life Stood On End and Changed Forever
By Stephen
Accepting
My Life With Mental Illness
One day,
in the middle of drawing storyboards for an advertising job, I picked
up the phone, my face drenched with tears, and told my agent that I
was in danger of ruining all of our reputations, and to remove me
from the agency roster.
Then I
drove to a remote Orange County parking lot, locked my car door and
marched into the desert.
At some
point during this woozy wobbly haze, I was on my cell phone, telling
some man that no, I could not make it until Wednesday at 3:00 p.m.
I was
finally in a room with someone who seemed to hear me. The words out
of his mouth seemed a true response to what I had just said or
exhibited, not just like reading off of some cue cards.
Over the
next few months it was no work and all therapy.
Although
the details varied from doctor to doctor, (PTSD, schizoaffective
lapses, clinical depression, etc.) the verdict was clearly unanimous
and solidly official. I was broken.
Not a year
later, increasing suicidal ideation and time spent glued to the bed
turned into admission into a psychiatric emergency facility, followed
by a month in, shall we say, a very quiet place with scheduled meds.
I attended
groups, slowly trying to get used to the idea of being a member of a
community. Surely, it was like being a member of a stranded castaways
club, but it was a club.
Even if I
didn't feel completely understood in these groups, the beauty of it
was that nobody pretended to. Nobody acted like they knew more about
my experience than I did, or that my experience was some kind of
laziness or put-on.
I haven't
experienced as much grief from the “stigma” of mental illness as
I have the proselytizing from people who think they can relate to me
because they were once really bummed out for having lost some really
great job. They've never slept in a bed next to a guy who screamed
all night because of the voices in his head. They've never had a med
side-effect that made their body feel as though it was trying to
shake its skeleton out of it.
I now seem
to spend whatever lucid time I have strategizing how to make whatever
I'm doing with my day reinforce my recovery, maximize my chances at
functionality, at happiness. I seem to do best when working from a
"to-do" list. It gives some shape to my day and a sense of
measurable accomplishment.
One thing
that is a marvel to me is this: before the freak-outs and the
meltdowns, I saw gauging this sort of thing as one might with a
thermometer. Just how mentally ill are
you? What's its level? Is it high? Is it low?
By now, I
have been through an astonishing variety of experiences, wildly
differing levels and flavors of mental pain, motor functionality,
fuzzy thinking, speed wobbles, a mind of firecrackers, foam, wheels
locking up, feeling like a glop of tar...the list goes on.
I now live
in a one-room cabin duplex in a flood zone in the Northern California
Redwoods. I share a paper-thin wall with an angry and volatile
neighbor. It is the only place I can afford. I rarely leave the
house, and when I do, it is truly an ordeal. I hobble to the kitchen
or bathroom with a cane. Bathing is a laborious and bizarre
spectacle. Groceries and other goods are purchased online and
delivered. Doctor visits are now only for the most urgent and dire
instances. I haven't attended a group in nearly a year.
These
days, I'm limited to mostly poetry writing. My head can't seem to
handle the stress load or sustain the focus to do much in the way of
drawing or writing of any real length. I can sometimes play my guitar
or keyboard for 15-20 min. at a time. Any more and my brain just
locks up.
I take
whatever meds are my doctors' current best guess and struggle with my
now considerable weight.
My
thoughts are mostly dark and it takes effort to repeat more positive
phrases during certain types of meditation, but I do it.
I don't
sit, wishing and hoping for the restoration of a former quality of
life. All I shoot for now is a good day. Sometimes, a good day is
made up of a temporary reprieve from pain, a few good laughs from a
TV show and getting the dishes done.
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