Let’s Take a Look at Friendship

By MVK
The What, Why and How

What is Friendship?
I believe friendship is a loving bond that enriches the lives of all who partake. It is a special connection between people that has at its core both affection and respect.

When we say to someone that we want to be their friend, we are, in effect, saying that we want to learn more about that person, to share personal knowledge and insights with them, and to be there in times of sorrow and in times of joy. 

Why Have a Friend?
Having a friend enriches your life and helps you become a better person. You learn things about the world, others and yourself. You see your friend’s world view and witness how he/she achieves goals and handles life; and, in turn, you gain insight into your own world view, what you do in various situations, and how you respond. 

I believe the ultimate gift of friendship is having the ability to give and receive love. By love I mean the caring, compassionate kind—not the romantic kind—which has as its purpose the joining of two hearts. 

This is where friendship becomes tricky. Do we love our self enough to accept the love of a friend? If we do not love our self, we will not allow our friend to love us and will keep them and their affection at a distance from us. How can we give back to them what we do not possess in the first place?

How to Make a Friend
To make a real friend, a person must show their inner self, the self he/she is when alone and not putting on a disguise for the world. In this way, the other person can see your humanity and can, if they are being authentic too, relate to you and find that special connection. 

It is a beautiful thing to reveal oneself to another and have that person say they like you and want to be your friend. When this happens, we feel validated and accepted for who we are. This acceptance makes us feel like we belong in the world and are a part of a greater human family.

How to Keep a Friend
Friendships, like all human relationships, require a great deal of work. It is not simply a matter of finding someone you like and spending time together. For a friendship to succeed, there must be a caring, respectful balance between both people. 

I’ve had many friends over the years, but few who have remained active in my life. Some have departed from me while others I chose to depart from. 

For those who have left me, I have had to look at myself candidly in the mirror and see where I might have gone wrong. Rarely will a person tell you why they no longer wish to remain close. Some will, in which case you can learn and improve from the knowledge, or if the reason is unjustifiable, you can at least know that the other person is not able to maintain the friendship for reasons they themselves do not understand.

I had one friend who became irate with me because she felt that I was not there to help her at all times. I have a personal life with issues and problems of my own. She did not seek an explanation from me because, in truth, she did not care. That, I sensed all along, but never wanted to admit. She never delved into the why and wherefore of my life and my sorrows, or my hopes and my dreams.

For the friends that I let go, there were three major reasons: 1) I felt insecure and doubted that the other person truly liked me (I often do not like myself); 2) I was not being seen and accepted for my true self and found it tiring to conform into the kind of person my friend was seeking; or 3) I felt an imbalance in the relationship and resented the fact that I was always on the giving side of emotional support. Unfortunately, when I perceive these developments, I tend to keep it inside and eventually remove myself from the friendship. 

Not communicating is something I want to change. I feel it is important to talk to your friend and tell them what you are feeling and why you do not want to spend time with them. Not only will your friend benefit from this disclosure, but you will feel better and lighter of heart for having shared your feelings. Their response may even surprise you. They may offer to work on establishing a better, more balanced, real and healthy relationship with you. In this case, you may find yourself remaining their friend. 

Friends should not be in our lives to fill an emptiness, but rather to comfort and share some part of our life with us. Friendship should be a sharing relationship in which we benefit by experiencing the affection of another and feeling less alone on this planet.  

Summing Up
At this point in my life, I am more philosophical about making and keeping friends. Length of time is not a good way to measure the value of a friendship. I’ve enjoyed having friends for just a few hours when I travel and meet new people. Other friends have been in my life for many years. Some people will be there with you on your life’s journey while others will take a turn in the road and go in a different direction. There is nothing wrong with this. What is of importance is that both people are mutually caring, respectful and honest with each other, and that both want the best for the other person. 

NAMI Queens/Nassau Friendship Network

NAMI Queens/Nassau Friendship Network

By FN staff: Alice Cohen, Nancy Schlessel and Barbara Garner

The NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) Queens/Nassau Friendship Network was born out of need. Although adults with mental illness have the same needs as everyone else, they have a much tougher time meeting these needs. The ‘double whammy’ of isolation and stigma, in addition to the illness, makes the illness that much harder to bear. All the medical progress and new medications do not alleviate the loneliness of ‘the long distance runner.’

Rod Steiger, a well known actor, who suffered from major depression, often said that “companionship…companionship…companionship” is crucial to recovery. Most people are able to call a friend and either schmooze, meet for a cup of coffee, or go to a movie. Not so for the mentally ill. Many of those who are ill do not even have a supportive family member.

In December of 1992, the NYTimes published a front-page article lauding the birth of the Friendship Network, an idea whose time had come. The NAMI Queens/Nassau Friendship Network has done much to solve the loneliness problem. There are one-on-one introductions for ‘friendship’ purposes and group activities, where those who attend bond and network. The activities include group tennis lessons, two bowling sessions monthly, monthly Friday night discussion group with a social worker, monthly men’s group with a counselor, monthly ‘schmooze’ group with Alice Cohen, the Founder and Director, a weekly nutrition/diet/art group and other sporadic activities including, workshops on employment and sexuality, at members’ request. Every summer, a barbecue is held in Cunningham Park, enjoyed by more than 50 members, with games, plenty of food and fun. Members meet, exchange numbers and develop a support system that has been lacking in their lives.

In addition to all these activities, there is an abundance of volunteer work available with the Friendship Network and the NAMI office, requiring several people to cooperate on a given project. This serves as a motivation for some to return to work. The experience is beneficial for members because even though one may be proficient in an area, it is equally important to be able to work with colleagues.

Members must complete a lengthy application, sign a membership contract, obtain a signed doctor release, and reach a high level of stability, before being accepted into the Friendship Network.

Members are able to develop connections with others and have a more fulfilling life in a comfortable social setting. Some never had the opportunity to acquire adult social skills and graces, and never experienced mature relationships. They spent their critical maturing years warding off ‘voices’ and being tranquilized on heavy-duty medications. Can you imagine the joy and satisfaction members enjoy when they can find someone with whom they can share their feelings, and be special, without fear of stigma!

Unfortunately, the need for socialization has not been recognized as critical to the recovery process, thereby precluding funding, except from private contributions. Recognizing that most of those who wish to partake in the Friendship Network do not have the financial wherewithal to pay any fee, there is a sliding scale. Some of the contributions go toward scholarships for those without any means.

Psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, and social workers, have seen their patients improve because their loneliness has abated. It has been a life-altering experience for all.

Editor At Large/As I See It

Editor At Large/As I See It
A Column by Marvin Spieler
My Friend Nancy, As I Remember Her
One night Nancy arrived at my support group in Sunnyside, Queens, New York City and she became a regular participant. Usually, when the group ended, I walked her to the bus stop as the neighborhood was in transition, but not for the better. As a woman, she didn’t feel comfortable standing at the bus stop on a deserted street waiting for the bus. We had time to talk about the night’s group. I realized Nancy was easy to talk to as she didn’t pretend to be a hotsy-totsy. Also, as I got to know her, I learned that she wasn’t a Jewish American Princess either. Nancy was down to earth, not a gold digger, honest, and a good person.
Nancy, unfortunately, had schizophrenia. In a sense it was self-induced. Sounds like a weird statement, yes? Well “acid” was in vogue in the nineteen-sixties. Nancy took, I guess, her fair share of it. Many years later, she had a major side-effect from it. Up until I met Nancy, I never met anyone who had become schizophrenic from taking acid, but I heard of this side effect. Thank God acid is not as popular a drug now as it was then. It is a mind-altering drug. Different people had different experiences with acid, some good and some bad.
I never asked Nancy what her experiences were like. I was curious. Whether her experiences were good or bad, I had no way of knowing. She’s dead now, unfortunately. In my eyes, she died because of one major side effect of acid—schizophrenia. I had read about this potential problem, but never knew anyone who had it until I met Nancy.
We cared for one another and helped each other when we could because we were friends. Our relationship grew. We saw each other frequently as we both had a lot of spare time. She was unable to work as was I. We got to know one another. Basically, she was a kind individual. She never said a bad word about anyone. She was bright, had attended college and graduated. She had a good mind. She was no dummy. She especially cared about her friends and helped them when she could. She showered us with gifts of needed items we couldn’t afford or didn’t want to spend money on ourselves. In a word, Nancy was generous. She was there for her friends when needed. Nancy had a good soul.
Why she actually died couldn’t be determined. An autopsy was inconclusive. But I felt it was a suicide. Nancy was depressed a great deal of the time. This went on for weeks. The last book she was reading was on the afterlife. The book seemed to calm her. Unfortunately, none of her friends picked up on this signal, which lead to her eventual death. This is what I feel she did to herself. She’s missed greatly.
Her symptoms of schizophrenia were primarily of being paranoid. She also had low self-esteem and she may have heard voices. I really don’t remember for sure. She kept a journal, which was full of her weird thoughts and feelings.
But the cure that she did experience eventually, in a way, made her worse. Her sanity after being put on Clozaril really didn’t help. She felt miserable knowing how sick she was previously. She couldn’t accept who she had become—a sane individual. Is this a crazy statement? It sounds that way, but she was very uncomfortable with her new found sanity.
Another major problem developed that I felt actually did her in was Tardive Dyskinesia. She had a severe case. Her hands shook and her mouth movements were also very severe. It embarrassed her. Nancy kept a towel over her hands so they wouldn’t be seen. Her mouth movements she couldn’t hide. This in effect did her in. She couldn’t live with these involuntary movements. Eventually, this problem became constant. She was severely depressed as a result and spent a lot of time at home. Nancy was seen infrequently. She didn’t answer her phone regularly. At some point she must have taken an overdose and was finally at peace with herself.

My Thoughts on Friendship by Vicki K.H.

My Thoughts on Friendship

By Vicki K.H.

Friendship is the ice cream of life. It might be a sweet friendship or a rocky one. Friendship adds so much more value to one's life.

However, before you can be a good friend to anyone else, you need to practice being a good friend to yourself. If you want friends or want to be a good friend you need to try to become an interesting person. Find some interests and follow through on them. Join a club, volunteer your time to a good cause or take a class. Meet friends at a job or a support group.

For people with a mental illness opening up to others about oneself is scary. Show others that you are interested in them. Develop conversation skills and practice being friendly.

One question you may wonder is how much information you want to share. Think about a current growing friendship and see how comfortable you are, then, focus on letting the friendship grow. Remember important dates and holidays and do nice and thoughtful things like send cards and try to remember birthdays. Be a thoughtful person and take a real interest in other people.

Get to know several people. Remember, one friend may be good at one thing while another friend may be valuable for other things. People are all different and unique. Friendships are unique. Share joy, pain, laughter and sadness. Sharing with others makes our journey with life much richer.