Mental Illness Detoured My Salvation
Today I'm Reaching Out to Jesus
I am 60-years-old and was recently diagnosed with bipolar schizoaffective disorder. The illness did not surface until September of 2013. As a child, I did have some learning problems, anger issues and anxiety, although my problems went untreated. I was considered a rebellious child. I was raised in poverty with an alcoholic father.
In 2010, I began attending a Pentecostal church where the supernatural powers of the Holy Spirit were believed and altar calls were always toward the end of the service. I have been anointed by the Holy Spirit and slain in the spirit twice. This is significant because before it happened to me I thought that phenomena was all faked. I can assure you that for me it was not. I gained a lot of faith and became very obedient to God. I had lived a life full of sin before I gave my life to Jesus and accepted Him as my lord and savior. I didn't stop sinning all at once, but changed gradually, for which I am thankful.
My delusions began after experiencing years of my largely untreated stress and depression. I would take anti-depressants inconsistently. I considered my depression circumstantial and didn't feel the need to take medication on a regular basis. My anxiety increased at times which made shopping difficult as well as being around a lot of people. I enjoyed living a sheltered life but did not have many friends.
I share this because my delusions, voices and hallucinations have all been centered on God, Jesus, angels, demons, Satan and even aliens. Although being on medication has curtailed this, I still believe in alien beings from other worlds. The evidence is too overwhelming for me not to believe that there are beings from other planets visiting us. I personally have not experienced visitations, but many other people have.
During some of my delusions I have choked myself and hit myself in the face. God and Jesus would tell me I was ungodly and repulsive. I made several trips to the hospital thinking that God was trying to kill me. Feelings I had throughout my body convinced me I was having a heart attack. Each time they diagnosed me with anxiety. The hospital didn't recognize that I was having delusions and hallucinations until later when I called in to the police department that I thought there was a bomb planted in my apartment building and some ex-coworkers were trying to kill me. I also called them again a few weeks later with the delusion that demons had given me anthrax and that I was bleeding to death internally.
I started working at a music company in August of 2014 that employed several people who were Satanists. My delusions and hallucinations began in September. I thought I was in the middle of a battle between good and evil because I was a Christian and they worshiped Satan. I could actually see and feel attacks by demons and Satan while I was employed there. I was fired from that job because the attacks in my mind seemed so real and even physical that I would get sick and have to leave. One day it felt like a steam roller was in my head and I think that my blood pressure had gotten dangerously high. We have the ability to make ourselves physically sick from mental illness.
I will not describe my many other embarrassing delusions. I still carry a great deal of shame, although I had absolutely no control over what was happening to me. I am trying to repair the damage that was done to my family because of my illness. More importantly, I am reaching out to Jesus once again because I feel as if I have lost my salvation. Sometimes it is very difficult to read God's word, but I will not give up. I want the relationship I had with our Father in heaven and His son Jesus before I became ill. I had great peace and became someone that I could be proud of; not full of pride, just grateful that Jesus had worked a miracle in me and changed me. I never want to return to a life full of sin, and I have Jesus to thank for that along with the workings of the Holy Spirit within me.
If you are experiencing a health issue, whether it be physical or mental or even both, I strongly encourage you to give your life to Jesus and let Him help you through it all.
Pullout: “I want the relationship I had with our Father in heaven and His son Jesus before I became ill.”