Mental
Illness Detoured My Salvation
By
Akala
Today
I'm Reaching Out to Jesus
I
am 60-years-old and was recently diagnosed with bipolar
schizoaffective disorder. The illness did not surface until September
of 2013. As a child, I did have some learning problems, anger issues
and anxiety, although my problems went untreated. I was considered a
rebellious child. I was raised in poverty with an alcoholic father.
In
2010, I began attending a Pentecostal church where the supernatural
powers of the Holy Spirit were believed and altar calls were always
toward the end of the service. I have been anointed by the Holy
Spirit and slain in the spirit twice. This is significant because
before it happened to me I thought that phenomena was all faked. I
can assure you that for me it was not. I gained a lot of faith and
became very obedient to God. I had lived a life full of sin before I
gave my life to Jesus and accepted Him as my lord and savior. I
didn't stop sinning all at once, but changed gradually, for which I
am thankful.
My
delusions began after experiencing years of my largely untreated
stress and depression. I would take anti-depressants inconsistently.
I considered my depression circumstantial and didn't feel the need to
take medication on a regular basis. My anxiety increased at times
which made shopping difficult as well as being around a lot of
people. I enjoyed living a sheltered life but did not have many
friends.
I
share this because my delusions, voices and hallucinations have all
been centered on God, Jesus, angels, demons, Satan and even aliens.
Although being on medication has curtailed this, I still believe in
alien beings from other worlds. The evidence is too overwhelming for
me not to believe that there are beings from other planets visiting
us. I personally have not experienced visitations, but many other
people have.
During
some of my delusions I have choked myself and hit myself in the face.
God and Jesus would tell me I was ungodly and repulsive. I made
several trips to the hospital thinking that God was trying to kill
me. Feelings I had throughout my body convinced me I was having a
heart attack. Each time they diagnosed me with anxiety. The hospital
didn't recognize that I was having delusions and hallucinations until
later when I called in to the police department that I thought there
was a bomb planted in my apartment building and some ex-coworkers
were trying to kill me. I also called them again a few weeks later
with the delusion that demons had given me anthrax and that I was
bleeding to death internally.
I
started working at a music company in August of 2014 that employed
several people who were Satanists. My delusions and hallucinations
began in September. I thought I was in the middle of a battle between
good and evil because I was a Christian and they worshiped Satan. I
could actually see and feel attacks by demons and Satan while I was
employed there. I was fired from that job because the attacks in my
mind seemed so real and even physical that I would get sick and have
to leave. One day it felt like a steam roller was in my head and I
think that my blood pressure had gotten dangerously high. We have the
ability to make ourselves physically sick from mental illness.
I
will not describe my many other embarrassing delusions. I still carry
a great deal of shame, although I had absolutely no control over what
was happening to me. I am trying to repair the damage that was done
to my family because of my illness. More importantly, I am reaching
out to Jesus once again because I feel as if I have lost my
salvation. Sometimes it is very difficult to read God's word, but I
will not give up. I want the relationship I had with our Father in
heaven and His son Jesus before I became ill. I had great peace and
became someone that I could be proud of; not full of pride, just
grateful that Jesus had worked a miracle in me and changed me. I
never want to return to a life full of sin, and I have Jesus to thank
for that along with the workings of the Holy Spirit within me.
If
you are experiencing a health issue, whether it be physical or mental
or even both, I strongly encourage you to give your life to Jesus and
let Him help you through it all.
Pullout:
“I want the relationship I had with our Father in heaven and His
son Jesus before I became ill.”
