The Challenges of Social Anxiety
I Wish People Would Treat Me Better
I often hear people complain about their lives, people who have families, children, friends, good jobs. Why should they complain?
One man complained about his partners, how he had so many and every relationship ended quickly. Another complained about his wives, about ruined marriages. Is this what people should complain about? What should I do then?
I am 23-years-old and I have never had a girlfriend. I first kissed a girl on the lips when I was 22 and that was a call-girl. Also we tried to have sex, but it wasn’t successful, because I was shaking.
I shake because of my social anxiety. I shake when someone touches me, such as a doctor or barber. I shake even when someone looks at me for too long a time. I shake badly.
I was diagnosed with social anxiety in 2013. My whole life I hardly spoke. First I thought that this was alright, but with time I understood that it is not.
There was a time when I was even afraid to go outside. But I just forced myself to go to the city. I was doing that every day. Then I found the courage to go to my GP (general practitioner) and I thought that it would save me for sure. I had sessions with two therapists, but that didn’t help me. Then I tried medication.
I have been to five different GPs, tried six different kinds of medication, including beta-blockers, but that had no effect on me. On the internet I heard lots of people saying that medication would help for sure. But medication has not had the slightest effect on me. I started to feel like an alien from another planet. How is it possible that the strongest beta-blockers have no effect on a human?
I have only one friend whom I see only during his holidays, as he studies in another city.
I should mention here that I am Lithuanian, but now living in the UK. This is where I had my first job working in a factory. I think this was the hardest time in my life. People were rude to me. They hated my looks. They despised me because of my appearance; I am sure about this now. There have been many similar situations to confirm that.
One such situation was in my school. I had changed schools and it was the third day in my new class. I had a lesson with a new teacher. At that time, a mother of one of my new classmates came in and told the teacher that someone was hurting her son. They spoke a little and when the woman left, the teacher asked the class, “Who is hurting this boy?”
The teacher came straight to me, leaned on my desk with both hands, looked at me and said, “I don’t really like you…”
She had never seen me before this day, and I had not even spoken one word.
You can say that she was just crazy, but there have been many such situations in my life. People always judge by appearance. It seems to me that some part of the brains of certain people have not evolved enough to understand. This is not so good, since appearances do not say much, really. And I never behave rudely to anyone. I always try to speak kindly to people.
Back to my factory work. There were lots of people around. Almost every day I thought about suicide. I’m not sure why I still haven’t done that. Maybe it’s because of religion.
Once I was sitting in the canteen and a few people sat with me. One girl sat and started talking straight away, saying, “So, we all sat here to interact,” and then pointed at me and continued, “Look at that goon sitting there.” Turning to me, she said, “Can you talk at all? You will never find a girlfriend like this!”
Yes, she may have been speaking the truth for all I know, but who needs it? It is the same situation when someone comes to disabled person sitting in wheelchair and says to him, “Look at that goon sitting there. You will never be able to walk!”
Social anxiety is a disorder. Persons with social anxiety cannot enjoy life and take everything they can from it.
Someone is complaining about their lack of money and how it’s hard to raise kids. And I don’t need money, because I have no one with me. For me, to have kids is my dream. But it seems that this dream will never come true.