A
Crazy Guy Like Me
By
Dave A.
How
I Found Stability With Meds and the 12-Steps
I
was born in a shack my father built in Northern California in 1976.
My father was violent, mentally abusive, a heavy drinker and, as is
now apparently a schizophrenic. I dreamt of fighting him off when I
was young. I had resentment toward him yet a natural admiration that
looked for the good in him. My mother is bi-polar and began drinking
after my parents’ divorce. She did, however, quit drinking and
introduced me to 12-step help when I was a teen for my heavy drinking
and drug abuse.
My
schizophrenia started aggravating my psyche when I was about 15, most
likely triggered from heavy drug abuse. Along
the way, I started dating a sweet girl. We fell in love, yet she left
and I was devastated.
I began isolating and was tormented by horrible visions. Scenes of
violence would flash through my mind. When I returned to counseling,
my therapist suggested medication, which I did not feel was a good
natural remedy. In fact, I looked down upon medication as if it were
a street drug.
Not
too long after, I was institutionalized upon my family’s insistence
and my concurrence. Obsessed with my previous girlfriend, I continued
to grieve over her. Whenever I seemed to stop thinking of her,
someone would mention or ask about her, which I interpreted as God
indicating her eventual return to me. After several trials and
disruptions in medications, the majority of my psychosis involved my
imagining this former girlfriend was with me. I knew she was not,
however, I felt happier thinking she was somehow with me in spirit.
My writing and the music I listen to is much inspired by this woman.
I
have not drunk or used illegal drugs since I was 21. I am 38 now and
feel I have made a strong effort to do well in this life of illusion.
I met Dan Frey (editor of NYC Voices) when I was about 23, and whom I
consider a good friend, although we have not been in close contact
for years. His efforts to support my musical shows are still
appreciated.
Since
I was 21, I have done my best work with psychiatric practitioners,
having been in hospital psych wards once a year until about eight
years ago. The threat of psychosis has alleviated over time and I
value my freedom with the assistance of outpatient care. I would,
however, do inpatient again if needed, and have considered it on
occasions when I struggled the most.
I
have schizoaffective type 2, which means I have struggled with
depression throughout my life.
I continue to enjoy good times as well. The twelve-step program has
taught me to find esteem in service, in hopefulness and faith in
healing for the sake of others, as well as myself.
I
can no longer drink or ingest the sickening amounts of sugar designed
by junk food companies. Due to my borderline sugar levels, I cut soda
and other sugary drinks out of my diet. I still acquiesce sometimes
with chocolate, but not like I used to. I don’t know for certain if
I have fallen prey to Zyprexa's tendency to create sugar reactions,
or to the junk food industry. Either way, I now regulate my diet more
consciously.
I
bring a 12-step meeting into the psych ward down in the valley once a
month. If I get the apartment I’ve been eyeing, I’ll be just a
block away from the psych unit and my plan is to begin weekly
meetings. I have a sense of accomplishment having done the same with
the hospital back east years ago.
Currently,
I live in the mountains of Northern California and have an
application pending for a low-income apartment down in the city’s
valley. I’m making an effort to enjoy my current life while looking
forward to having a mental health clubhouse about a half block away,
as well as other fun activities, when I get down there. Maybe I'll
meet a crazy lady who would understand a crazy guy like me.
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