By Lisa Marie
How I faced my mental illness, found love, motherhood and
studies I enjoy
The dark days of
my illness started in high school. I was full of confused thoughts and
insecurities, feeling that something was wrong with me but not knowing what. My
mom would say how smart and lovely I was and that nothing was wrong with me. I
rebelled against her denial about my condition and I acted out to try to get her
attention so she would finally listen to me. I played practical jokes all the
time; I fought with my sisters and called them nasty names. I insulted my
mother—I was not very nice; but I could not fully control my behaviour. On the
other hand, I was always depressed and I avoided people. I tried to kill myself
with an overdose of Advil I found in the cupboard. When my mom found me and
saved me, I told her I was just sick and I didn’t know why.
I went on to
university and I became a hermit, just sitting in class staring at the teacher,
making disorganized notes and not bothering to socialize. I failed the first
year and I was asked to leave. I was heartbroken that my dream of becoming an
engineer was crashing and burning. I tried again and again to complete my engineering
degree. Finally, I gave up and pursued fashion design. My illness had not yet
been diagnosed and I showed up dishevelled to class. The fashionable classmates
avoided me, barely talking to me despite my pleasant attitude.
I found a job as
a cook, which I loved. I could focus on one thing without needing to socialize;
and I could produce food very fast. It was good, honest work. Most of the
employees laughed at me, but my boss was a great man and he protected me. My
illness made me misinterpret this as romantic love, and I got myself in trouble
with the law for harassment. This was at the lowest point in my illness. I just
wanted a boyfriend to give me the kind of love which I had never felt before in
my life.
Later on, I did
find love, which resulted in my giving birth to our first child. However,
despite great determination, I was not ready to overcome the obstacles in my
way. My husband and I ended up in divorce and he took custody of our child. It
was a most devastating blow for me. I was in tears for months. I can't forget
the mistakes I made that led to my losing my child. I will never make those kinds
of mistakes again.
This experience
led me to accept the reality of what I couldn’t change on my own and I decided
to seek treatment for my mental illness. Things improved greatly from there on.
I was started on
medication that allowed me to live calmly for a couple years—long enough to
find love again and to figure out the kind of mother I really wanted to be. I
am now taking Abilify and it has changed my life for the better. I receive
additional support from a psychiatrist, social worker, my mom, my sisters, my
husband, my in-laws and my friends.
I succeeded in
taking myself off the streets and out of a shelter and moving into my own
apartment in Montreal ; and I began attending a
prestigious university in the heart of Montreal
I
hope to be a great mother to my second son, and to make up for the trauma my
first son went through. I would like to get him back with me one day. I am not
sure about my personal life right now, whether the man I’m with is with me
because he loves me, or he just feels obligated to protect me. But I am happy
that I am healthy and I can at least take good care of myself now. I’m working
on that personal journey to discovering the riches of lifelong love, now that I
have faced and have successfully treated my mental health issues.
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