Deconstructing Borderline Personality Disorder

Deconstructing Borderline Personality Disorder

By Kay Elizabeth Bitters

Apply the Salve of Love

When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar I, I jumped right into therapy and started trying out all the mood stabilizers. Nothing helped, except a bit of anti-depressants. This is when it became apparent to my health professionals that I was more than likely misdiagnosed. It was considered that I suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

I am not an angry individual, but I am on my way through overcoming. I have lived with this condition for over fifty years now. Recovery is more than an option, and never too late. The following eight points are issues I find worthy of discussion:

One: Personality disorders. Really? Is not every being on the planet a unique individual with divergent ways of coping with life? And what manifests is coping in ways that are not socially normal. Nothing more, nothing less.

Two: Impossible to cure. The human spirit is more than capable of overcoming in healthy manners. There are those who say there are no drugs to cure BPD for instance. However, do drugs heal anything? No. Prescriptions are helpers, enablers, but even insulin does not cure diabetes.

Three: Difficult to live with. Is it not difficult to live with anyone who is wounded and in pain? Would it be correct to say that those of us who can, should be caring and loving and feeding the warmth of human compassion rather than the judgment of superiority? Do we punish the walking wounded, or do we find ways to help them heal? Sure, it is not easy, but it is necessary if we want to be part of the solution. We give a crutch to a man with a broken leg, we don’t kick the other leg out from under him.

Four: Difficult to treat. What kind of therapist must protect their own ego above the care of their patient? As a professional, if you are not able to care for an individual, refer them to someone else. Let them know somehow if you are unable to help them, but acknowledge that they need help and you will see to it that they receive the right help needed. This goes for all you family members, too. See that your loved one gets help.

Five: Children cannot be diagnosed. It does not matter the label. Most of these issues manifest in childhood. How well did family members respond to the child in their midst who is “different”? Maybe the child has been abused right under your nose and you failed to see it. In most cases, this may not be the parent's fault, but it happens.

Six: Enabling the person is wrong. Supporting the mentally ill is absolutely necessary. Part of that is flat out honesty regarding behavior and expectations. What can and do you expect? Realism starts with the one capable of making the determination. Are you that person? Or are you damaged as well? Consult with a professional.

Seven: They need to get better. Rather than judge them, learn about their ailments. Educating yourself is the best way to support them.

Eighth: All personality disordered people are bad. (This one ticks me off the most.) There are over 500 different combinations in the set of nine DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) characteristics alone for the borderline, which is a human effort to define another human. By its own nature, even that is never completely definable and ever changing. So, our loved ones get out the list and say to themselves: they are manipulative; they are without compassion; they are without remorse. Really? Could be that you recognize those traits, as it is also proven by the same infant science of psychology, we mirror our own personalities on another.

So, start with love. This is the plumb line. Just because one does not see the blood gushing forth from the wound, or see the limp of a broken bone, or any other visible sign of pain, it is there. Learn what you can do to apply salve. And learn what you must not do to enable.

And for those of you, like me, diagnosed with some kind of label, it is unkind to expect others to just allow you to be a brat. Learn how to be the best person you are capable of being. Thank those around you for trying, even when you are not sure they really are helping. Don’t judge, just love.

What's Wrong with My Daughter?

What's Wrong with My Daughter?

By Diane

Desperate to Find the Reason For Her Behavior

I had the most amazing daughter for 18 years. She was a beautiful child. Everyone loved her and she loved everyone. She was so happy that she smiled when she slept. She was a straight-A student and although she had ADHD, it only seemed to enhance her life. Even as a teenager, she was delightful with none of the rebelliousness or drug use most parents dread.
When she turned 18, however, something changed. It seemed to happen overnight. Her behavior became erratic, sparking explosive fights with her boyfriend. It still wasn't presenting so much at home, so I chalked it up to him. It couldn't be her.
Little by little she changed. She drifted away from us. This girl who once idolized her mother, suddenly couldn't stand me. She started drinking more, getting tattoos, and became someone I just did not recognize. I remember telling my friend I felt like my Shauna had died and this strange new girl had replaced her. I was heartbroken.
The week she was breaking up with her boyfriend of one year, screaming at him that she despised him right in front of me, she became pregnant. Then she became so happy. She decided to stay with the guy. My grandson is now two-years-old. My daughter expressed anger over my not being present when he was born. Everyone used to make such a big deal about how close we were. They were envious.

In my wildest dreams I never would have imagined how she could get so angry at me in an instant, and go for weeks without speaking to me. I would tear my hair out trying to figure out the reason. Was it me? Did I deserve this?
I finally put it all together after an especially rough week. She had exploded in her husband’s restaurant and made a huge scene because she thought the staff was purposely ignoring her. She dragged her sick son out into freezing weather to make her husband pay for not responding to her texts, and she completely melted down at my house because she was furious at me for serving her brother dinner at his computer. She was so mad she dragged her son back out into the cold and went home to the husband she was also angry with.
I finally started Googling her symptoms—paranoia, extreme anger, fear of being alone, intense anxiety—and finally I had it: borderline personality disorder. It fit all the criteria. I just could not believe it took so long. All these years of anguish. I could see now how families would go through this and never know the reason, how someone with borderline personality disorder would go on endlessly being undiagnosed. I could not believe that for all the Oprah and Dr. Phil I watched, that this had never come up. It’s tragic that there isn't more awareness about this type of mental illness.

Trying to compress ten years into words, it is comforting to finally have an explanation for the very extreme behavior I experienced with my daughter. It is my mission to share this information so that other families don't have to guess for ten years about their loved one’s unusual behavior. It should not have to be so difficult.