Recovery
From An Illness Best Kept Secret For Now
By
Katalin
There
Were Many Steps
I
attribute my recovery from mental illness to sound psychiatric
counsel, positive lifestyle changes and consistent medication
management. I have been stabilized for the past ten years, but things
were not always this good, particularly before my diagnosis. Although
I am delighted with my stabilization, my triumph over mental illness
is wrought with certain medical problems due to the side effects of
the medication I am taking. However hard these impediments might be,
they have not deterred me from leading a rich and full life as a
means to combat the negative effects of a possible relapse of my
mental illness.
The
psychosis I endured snuck up on me quite stealthily. At first it was
just some voices here and there, then images and later delusions. I
grappled with these bizarre thoughts for about a year until I was
admitted to the in-patient unit at Payne Whitney Clinic. It was
during my three week stay that I was diagnosed for the first time
with late onset paranoid schizophrenia at the age of 44. When I was
psychotic, I was very frightened because I knew what hearing voices
meant medically—a psychiatric problem. I was also in a state of
denial as I had never experienced symptoms before. I was very afraid
that if I were admitted to a hospital, I would end up like my father,
who also has this disease and has been institutionalized for over 40
years.
Once
I was discharged from the inpatient unit, I thought I was home free.
My psychiatrist said “not so fast.” I attended PW’s Continued
Day Treatment Program where I was immersed for nine months in
numerous helpful workshops. I did make some lasting friendships
there. Once I was finished with the program I was positive I would be
allowed to stay home. Again, not so. My psychiatrist strongly urged
me to attend group therapy. I joined a group organized for other
schizophrenic patients and was in the group for a year and a half. I
was stabilized and ready to move on to a full schedule of
extra-curricular activities.
Despite
all the hard work everybody does for psychiatric patients at Payne
Whitney Clinic, I probably would never have recovered successfully
were it not for the medication I take every single day. What has also
really helped is that I also stopped drinking and smoking. When I
learnt from my doctor that alcohol and nicotine have adverse effects
on the chemical interaction of the psychotropic medications and the
brain’s chemistry, I decided to quit. Stopping drinking was harder
than smoking, but after several attempts, I was able to stop both.
Today, I move freely among people who drink and smoke without
difficulty. Where I have trouble is with the physical problems I am
experiencing with the neuroleptics I am taking. I have gained weight
and this has led to some other medical problems. I am watching and
managing my medical problems, but compared to the active symptoms of
paranoid schizophrenia, these side effects are a small price to pay
for my newly discovered “normalcy.”
My
psychiatrists who have been treating me in the past were concerned
about my lack of structure in my life. What they meant was that they
would like to see me busy during the weekday. They were concerned
that given my schizophrenia, this would lead to isolation and
possible relapse. I have been attending concerts and shows,
volunteering in a civic organization, doing my chores and writing. I
also work out at a gym 4 days a week.
There
are two drawbacks as I see it. One has to do with being unemployed
when I am with others who are employed and the other has to do with
disclosure about my mental illness. I choose not to disclose my
mental illness to most people because of the stigma that is still
associated with schizophrenia.
Be
that as it may, I have had ten years to master the delicate balance
of living in the world of “normals’ and interacting with the
mentally ill. Sometimes I feel like I am living the life of a
charade, but regrettably I cannot disclose to the public about my
mental illness at this time. The circles in which I move are not
ready for such a declaration. What I am grateful for are the good
people at PWC who show kindness and respect toward people like us. I
have never heard anyone call me a wacko, schizo, psycho, crazy, or a
lunatic behind my back. And I hope I never will. My experience has
taught me that in my transformation from psychotic person to
stabilized individual there was something in life that was lost
forever, but also tangible things that were equally gained for an
eternity.
